This is the first week of comedicprose.com, and it’s also the first week of the NFL’s 2011 postseason. As a thank you for reading this piece, I’m going to give you the winning bets for all four playoff games. Honestly, I’m just doing what every sportswriter does: I’m going to state my opinion as if it were fact, and try desperately to convince you I’m right.
The key to sports betting is to never, under any circumstance, ever find yourself in a position where you’re betting on sports. Nothing good will ever come from doing this. However, if you find yourself having to bet on professional sports, you can use this column as a survival guide. My picks are in bold and my opinion is fact.
I will bet ten (fake) dollars on every pick I make. I’m starting this column with 100 (imaginary) bucks and will keep track of the (invisible) money I make/lose by the end of the postseason. My goal is to have 1000 (real) dollars by the end of the Super Bowl. No, seriously. I really hope I have $1,000 by the first week of February. That would be pretty sweet.
HOUSTON (-3) and UNDER 38.5
My gut is telling me to pick the Bengals here, but my brain is telling me to pick Houston. I’m going to listen to my brain because I’m an idiot. Bottom Line: Rookie quarterbacks in the playoffs are a lot like David Stern: you can never thrust them. This game features two rookie quarterbacks.
SAINTS (-11) and UNDER 59.5
*Spoiler Alert* The Saints are going to win the Super Bowl. Bottom Line: Drew Brees.
FALCONS (+3) and OVER 47
This game has GIANTS CHOKE written all over it. The NFC East was an absolute joke this season, and Eli Manning gets on my last nerve! This pick has nothing to do with statistics or knowledge or any real logic whatsoever, it really comes down to me not liking Eli Manning. Bottom Line: That Julio Jones kid is starting to figure this game out. He’s the truth. And I don’t like Eli Manning.
STEELERS (-9) and UNDER 33.5
If ever there was an NFL playoff game that I wouldn’t be upset about not watching, this is it. As a die-hard Seattle Seahawk fan/Pittsburgh Steeler hater, there isn’t a team in professional sports I despise watching more than the “Steal”ers. The only team that comes close is the Tim Tebow-lead Denver Broncos. They should market this game as “Christianity vs. The Rapist” just to get better ratings. Allegedly. Bottom Line: The Broncos throw for less than 150 yards per game, and that’s against normal teams. Pittsburgh in January is not a normal team. The Steelers DST might be the highest scorer in football this weekend, but the NFL could be the ultimate winner with one simple marketing ploy. Think about it, the shit practically writes itself: “Tebow vs. Roethlisberger. Good vs. Evil. God vs. the Raw Dog. Are you ready for some football?!?!”
Well, would you look at that. I just wrote an NFL commercial. Someone deserves $1,000.