Baltimore Ravens, Terrell Suggs Vs. New England Patriots, Tom Brady for the AFC Championship

Baltimore Ravens, Terrell Suggs Vs. New England Patriots, Tom Brady for the AFC Championship

This is the main event. You have Ball So Hard University on one side, and the Golden Boy on the other. John Harbaugh vs The Hoodie. There’s the always doubted Joe Flacco against New England’s Swiss Cheese defense. This is what we call, “Go Time” on the block (knock that stick off my shoulder style).

Both the Baltimore Ravens and New England Patriots were the best two teams in the AFC throughout the regular season. So it’s only right that they play for the right to go to the super bowl.

Even though thought the Patriots embarrassed the Denver Broncos last week it’s hard to say they proved anything. I mean it was the Denver Broncos. Tim Tebow is their starting quarterback! They’re not supposed to win a playoff game in Foxborough. To be impressed by that is like being shocked that the McRib is delicious1. So I don’t take anything away from them winning last week. Instead I prefer to examine what they did this season, and since you’re here, let’s examine together.

First let’s think about how many good teams the Patriots beat. Now it was a long season so you may have to think hard. As a matter of fact I will give you a moment…hopefully you’ve arrived at the conclusion that they didn’t beat anybody. Now take a look at their defense that has been credited with a “bend but don’t break approach.” I find this idea to be preposterous. If you play terrible teams, how many points are you expected to give up? Now couple the playing of bad teams with the Pats’ prolific offense.

When an offense scores 32 points a game (that is how much they averaged as a team2). It forces the opponent out of their offense game plan (unless you’re playing the greatest show on turf), thus making them one-dimensional and easier to defend. So if you defense then gives up 21 points a game2. Can’t we all conclude that the defense is terrible beyond belief and should be thankful to even be in the playoffs (Tim Tebow style)?

So when you strip the Patriots down to what they are. Any person were their beans (why did I go beans right there) would conclude that they a great quarterback and coach away from being the Indianapolis Colts.


The Baltimore Ravens on the other hand are a team that lives on defense. I would argue that have four Hall of Famers on defense (Ray Lewis, Ed Reed, Terrell Suggs, and Haloti Ngata). So they just really on their offense to keep the game close. Now that doesn’t mean their offense stinks. It just means the offense pitches in as needed. It’s reminiscent of a cute girl you keep on the side, but you only allow her to wear her hair down. So who knows how good the offense is.

What we do know is, they’re the best team in football.

And don’t you sit there with that surprised pissed off look on your face. They are the best team in football. Just look at what they did. They dominated the best division in football (that evident by three teams from that division making the playoffs), they swept the Pittsburg Steelers (a team that beat New England while holding them to 17 points), and they beat the Texans twice who were the best defense this year.

So straighten up your face and pay attention.     

So why would I pick against the best team in football? Well maybe because T.J. Yates isn’t showing up this week to choke away any opportunity of winning a playoff game with efforts reminiscent to those of Tracy McGrady (Vince Carter style)3.

With that being said I do think the Ravens are going to win this game. I think that you have to pay attention to losses by the Green Bay Packers and the New Orleans Saints. The whole, “We’re only going to play offense” thing isn’t working.

I expect the Ravens to impose their will on the Patriots defensively, while Joe Flacco keeps the offense on schedule.

It’s been a decent year for the New England Patriots, but I think it has come to an end.


Ravens win, 28 – 24



1. Anytime you have a barbecue sandwich with no bones it’s going to be great.
2. I didn’t have time to break down how much the offense averaged by itself because I’m not a stat Douche that’s sits around researching idiosyncrasies of the game. I got a Blog to write.
3. That’s right I’m going after underachieving cousins.


Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

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