A preemptive good riddance letter to Kyrie Irving…thanks Dan Gilbert

A preemptive good riddance letter to Kyrie Irving…thanks Dan Gilbert


It’s been reported that Kyrie Irving of the Cleveland Cavaliers wants to leave Cleveland. Of course Kyrie came out publicly and denied that report, because that’s what you have to do when you’re under contract. However, I don’t believe the denial, and I think he wants outs. I’m not calling him a liar, but I’m calling him a liar. There’s no player that wants to be on a dysfunctional team. And the Cavs are dysfunctional. At this point they barely show up to games. Physically the team is there, but it looks like they’d rather be somewhere else. The team is also, “reportedly” fighting in practice and partying late into the night before games.

So I don’t blame Kyrie Irving for wanting to get out of this situation. But he is part of the problem too. Irving can’t absolve himself from blame by simply leaving. This will stick to him no matter where he goes. Furthermore, I’m not sure Kyrie Irving is at the point where he can make trade demands. Is he really that good? I know he is a star player, but he’s not a superstar. It’s also yet to be proven if he can be a franchise player. So if he is requesting a trade, dude is out of his league.

With that being said, here’s a preemptive letter in case his demands are granted, with a little help from Dan Gilbert.


Hey Kyrie, it’s been fun, but good riddance. I enjoyed all the non passing and Shammgod crossovers. You made me pay attention anytime you touched the ball. I wasn’t sure if you were going score or dribble the ball off your leg. So I will miss having my blood pressure raise, while watching you play.

“Take it from here Dan”

Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us.

The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you.

There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you.

You simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.

You have given so much and deserve so much more.

In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:


You can take it to the bank.

If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our “motivation” to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.

Sorry, but that’s simply not how it works.

This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown “chosen one” sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And “who” we would want them to grow-up to become.

But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called “curse” on Cleveland, Ohio.

The self-declared former “King” will be taking the “curse” with him down south. And until he does “right” by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma.

Just watch.

Sleep well, Cleveland.

Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day….

I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:

DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue….

Dan Gilbert
Majority Owner
Cleveland Cavaliers with a little help from a Cavalier fan.


  1. I actually attached the original Dan Gilbert letter to this post as a hyperlink.
  2. I added that God Shammgod video after looking for stuff online. Share and enjoy.



Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

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