How disturbing is that new Burger King commercial with Steven Tyler (what a terrible introduction I just wrote. I sound like some critic from on high looking down through a monocle while wearing Larry King suspenders)? I may never eat fast food again.
At first I didn’t know it was him. I thought it was some kind of superimposed picture of Michael Jackson #TheKingIsBack. I thought the people responsible for that Tupac Coachella hologram went in business with Burger King, and decided to make us piss our pants. Once I figured that it was Steven Tyler I was even more freaked out, because he looked so dead (I found that ironic because if you eat enough Burger King eventually you will look like Steven Tyler. “That’s right! If you eat enough Whopper jr’s, you too can look like an 80-year-old woman with small tits.”). Why you would want someone who looks like that to promote your food is beyond me. I know that he’s on American Idol, but that’s just a gimmick. It’s kind of like when Tim Tebow is given the opportunity to play quarterback1. Everyone knows it’s not going to work, but we also want to see the car accident that he is. So if Burger King is dead set on making Steven Tyler part of their ad campaign they need to go all out. Don’t play with the idea of putting him in commercials. No! Make Steven Tyler the Burger King. That’s right fire the weird elf that runs around in that king costume, and let Tyler run out and scare the masses. Sure it may creep out the kids, but how funny would it be to see Steven Tyler running around a football field.
1. Gotta through Tebow in a column once a week. It’s mandatory
Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose
Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane