Kortney’s Last Show, EP 157: Amar’e Stoudemire Just Too Sexy & I’m Playing Hurt

On this episode of Kortney’s Last Show Podcast, Kortney is playing hurt. He’s coming off a dentist visit.

Kortney opens the show talking about Elmer’s glue shortage, and pays respect to Nickelodeon.

Andrew Rivers joins Kortney to co-host the show. They talk about Baylor’s sexual assault scandal, and question a lack of institutional control (7:28).

The show closes with Kortney talking Diabolical Hater: Amar’e Stoudemire (27:54) and Quick Hitters: Weiner Documentary, Georgetown Basketball, and Colin Kaepernick (31:11).


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Kortney Shane Williams

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

New York Knicks’ Problems Part 2: Carmelo Anthony, jab stepping the New York Knicks to failure


When Carmelo Anthony joined the New York Knicks, he was deemed as the guy coming home to lead his city to a NBA Championship. When they gave up half of their roster to acquire Anthony, the Knicks made it clear that, “Carmelo is our guy.” Well if Carmelo is your guy, you have to build the team around him. You need to sign guys that play without the basketball, and get garbage points. You can’t throw Carmelo in a situation where he has to set people up. He’s not a facilitator. That’s like putting Allen Iverson in a triangle offense, or trying to get M. Night Shyamalan to make a movie without an unneeded twist. It’s just not going to happen.

Offensively the Knicks don’t have an identity. That’s why this team has taken on so many personalities this season. One month their running the offense through Carmelo, and watching him jab step his way to shot clock violations1. Then Melo goes down with an injury, and Linsanity drops out of the sky like Square Grouper2. All of a sudden their running up and down the court, the basketball is exciting, and New York is buzzing like a sorority girl on Cinco de Mayo. Then the clock strikes midnight, and Jeremy Lin is castrated by the Miami Heat on National T.V. Next thing you know J.R. Smith and Steve Novak turn them into a three-point shooting team. Eventually it all ends with Carmelo, jab stepping the shot clock, and Knick fans wondering why their team is getting blown out.

If the Knicks want to fix their identity issue they need to build around Carmelo Anthony.

The New York Knicks have two superstars in Amare Stoudemire and Carmelo Anthony that can’t play together. It’s not because their games don’t mesh, rather it’s the fact that Amare isn’t healthy. I like Stoudemire a lot, but it’s obvious that the injuries are wearing on him. I’m not sure if it’s his back, the microfracture surgery on his knees, or the fact that half his hand was hanging off after punching a fire extinguisher case. But with Melo, it’s not meant to be. He no longer has the clout that it takes to get the ball out of Anthony’s hands. So rather than getting mediocre results out of a frustrated Stoudemire, it’s best that the Knicks trade him for a better fit.

If you are going to build around Carmelo Anthony you have to have another player that can take the ball out of his hands. That may sound crazy, but think about the Oklahoma City Thunder. They have Kevin Durant, who is the best scorer in the league. Yet their team works offensively, because Russell Westbrook has the ability to create his own shot. On the outside looking in, it seems like Westbrook should defer to Durant. However if Durant was their only scoring option, teams would load up on him, and Kevin would be resigned to tough perimeter shots. Now before you say, “I’m crazy” and “That will never work with Carmelo Anthony.” Think about this. Carmelo Anthony has been the NBA 9 years and has only advanced out of the first round of the playoffs once. The year he advanced with the Denver Nuggets, to the Western Conference Finals. Alongside him was Chauncey Billups, who average 20 ppg and 7 assist. So this has been done before, and it was highly successful.

This offseason the New York Knicks should try to turn trade Amare Stoudemire for that piece that will help them win a championship. Perhaps they could get a guy like Dwight Howard, who could take pressure off Carmelo and make them the best defensive front court in the league. Or maybe they could get Josh Smith and Jeff Teague from the Atlanta Hawks?

Then again it’s more likely they will stay as constituted. I can see them talking it out in the front office right now, “We can probably get 2 more years out of Amare, Carmelo lights up The Garden when he’s taking 30 shots a game, and the great Jeremy Lin will be back. That sounds like a championship team to me, or at least a mirage that will fool are fan base for another year.”



1. I think Carmelo should literally take the jab step out of his game. Just treat it like that 12-year-old kind in Old Yeller, and got shotgun on it. That works in college, but in the NBA it makes you easier to guard.

2. Whatever happened to Linsanity? I thought he was the second coming. I was on eBay looking for a Jeremy Lin t-shirt, and you can get one for 95 cents. That’s right you can take Linsanity home for one easy payment of 95 cents.


New York Knicks Problems Part 1


Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

New York Knicks’ Problems Part 1: Injured Amare Stoudemire, was extinguished by the Knicks months ago

The New York Knicks kept their streak intact Monday night by losing their 12th playoff game in a row. After being beat down by the Miami Heat in Game 2, Amare Stoudemire suffered a laceration on his hand after punching a fire extinguisher case. (That’s kind of ironic, because they couldn’t put out the Heat. “How terrible was that joke?”). Why someone would try to punch a fire extinguisher is beyond me. It’s not like you can say you didn’t see it, because those things are decorated like Christmas trees. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was all did up with a bow tie and cuff links. As a rule of thumb I believe you never punch something harder than your hand. However I’m a novice when it comes to these things. Perhaps Amare is a pioneer in the frustration industry? Most people with anger problems would punch a wall or a woman, but Stoudy took it up another notch and went fire extinguisher. So I admire him for his ambition, but next time he should think it through a little more. Even though thinking something through, goes against everything the New York Knicks believe in.

I understand Amare’s frustration. Dude has played with injuries the entire year. He works hard on defense (his defense is suspect but he does work hard. It’s kind of like that scene in Next Friday, “They’re 10s but I keep them clean”), yet on offense he rarely get plays run for him. Half the time he doesn’t even touch the ball, because the black hole that is Melo, is jab stepping until the shot clock runs out.

I don’t know if everyone forgot, but Amare Stoudemire is the person that started the New York movement. Before he went there in the summer of 2010, there wasn’t anybody knocking down Madison Square Garden’s door. I know people like to think of New York and the Knicks as this holy Mecca of basketball, but their biggest free agent before Amare was Bernard King in 1982. Stoudemire brought the Knicks back to relevancy. If it weren’t for Amare there would have been no, Carmelo, Tyson Chandler, or Linsanity (whatever happened to Linsanity?). So when Amare Stoudemire gets 9 shots in a playoff game he has to be on the bench thinking, “I started this gangster ish*1 and this is the thanks I get. You think you can do this to me? … I’m the man up in this piece2. I’m calling D’Antoni! It’s time to take the show to Orlando3.”


1. Ice Cube, go get it.
2. Training Day, Denzel Washington, go get it.
3. I think it would be fantastic if Amare was traded to Orlando for Dwight Howard. Then the Magic could hire Mike D’Antoni and put the band back together. That style of play would suit Orlando well.


New York Knicks Problems Part 2


Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

Is Amare Stoudemire’s injury a blessing in disguise for the New York Knicks?

It didn’t seem possible that things could get worse for the Knicks after their game 2 loss to the Miami Heat. Then Amare Stoudemire went all Metta World Peace on the glass casing of a fire extinguisher. Stoudemire is reportedly “almost certain” to be out for game 3 at Madison Square Garden. Amazingly, things have gotten worse for the Knicks.

Or have they?

On paper, the Knicks missing their $100 million power forward is bad. On paper, inserting Jared Jeffries into the starting lineup or sliding Carmelo Anthony up to play the 4 is not ideal. On paper, Amare Stoudemire’s injury would signal the end for the New York Knicks‘ already slim to none odds of winning the series.

In reality though, Amare Stoudemire’s injury could be just the freak incident to jump-start the Knicks.

Amare hasn’t meshed with Carmelo since day 1 of Anthony’s overhyped arrival to his hometown. Prior to Carmelo Anthony joining the Knicks, Stoudemire was surprisingly playing up to the absurdly rich contract that the Knicks desperately signed him to in the 2010 off-season. It has become clear that Stoudemire fits as well with the current version of the Knicks as Lindsay Lohan did at this weekend’s White House Correspondence dinner. Amare was better off without Carmelo.

It could be the case that the Knicks are better off without Amare.

The Knicks don’t have the personnel to beat the Heat but with Amare Stoudemire out the team might be able to put up a better fight. The front court lineup featuring Tyson Chandler, Amare Stoudemire and Carmelo Anthony doesn’t space the floor well enough for either Amare or Carmelo to go to work the way they would like to. When you add to the mix an average shooter in Landry Fields and a below average 3 point shooter throughout his career in Baron Davis, what you get is not a group built for success.

The Knicks, however, were very successful at times during the absence of Amare Stoudemire, especially so when Carmelo would do his best LeBron James impersonation and beast it at power forward. Going small should not hurt the Knicks against the Heat’s unassuming group of big men, while the constant shooting presence of a J.R. Smith or Steve Novak may help turn the series around.

Statistics do not tell all but the stats without Stoudemire on the floor this season should ease the minds of Knicks fans looking ahead to game 3 (not too much though). Sadly, New York has been better on both sides of the ball this season without Amare. Per NBA.com, they have scored 104.6 points per 100 possessions and allowed 96.2 points per 100 possessions in his absence. This is opposed to only their 98.1 point per 100 possessions scoring clip and 100.8 points per 100 possessions allowed defensively with Amare Stoudemire on the court.

The outrageous story featuring the stupidity of Amare Stoudemire is probably a bigger deal than his actual injury. After 2 games it appeared unlikely that the Knicks were going to end their pathetic 12 game playoff losing streak even with Stoudemire in the lineup. They played better in game 2 but it wasn’t close to enough. With Carmelo, Amare is a difference maker, but not the difference maker that he is paid to be.

For the New York Knickerbockers to  truly contend for a title one day, Amare Stoudemire has to have a starring role. He can’t be what Chris Bosh is far too often for the Miami Heat. Whoever the future coach in New York is will have to find a way to make the situation work.

But maybe, just maybe, the Knicks are better off in the short-term without Amare Stoudemire.


Chris Ross

Chris is a writer on Comedic Prose, and he also is the editor of Painting the Black.

You can follow Chris on twitter @paintstheblack or e-mail him at cross_can15@hotmail.com