I’ve heard mystical stories of Brazilian restaurants that would feed you an unlimited amount of meat. All you had to do is pay a flat rate, and they would bring you meat by the wheel barrow.
I remember when my brother told me a story of such a place. He said they brought him meat until he ripped a hole through his underpants. And even after he told them that his underpants were torn, and he couldn’t take any more. They tried to entice him to eat more meat. They actually brought in the girl that danced in Big Boi’s The Way You Move video, and had her serenade him with a cheesesteak. I couldn’t believe that that story was true…until.
Yesterday I finally went to one of those mystical Brazilian restaurants, and I too, ripped through my underpants.
I had no idea that the meat would be so free. I was expecting hamburgers and hotdogs, with perhaps the option to upgrade. However, not only did they not have hotdogs, but they upgraded me for free. I had my choice of Flank Steak, Top Sirloin, and Filet Mignon.
I ate all the meat I could. By the end of the dinner I waddled out of the restaurant like the poster child for what a glutton is (I kind of started to resemble that fat guy that died in seven). So it’s needless to say I had a good time…until. I woke up in the middle of the night with the stomach pain of a woman in her 4th trimester. I literally thought every organ in my body was hemorrhaging Au Jus. I repented to God for my actions, hoping that he would allow me to fall back to sleep. But even God said, “…drunkards and gluttons become poor…”, and I was both of those things last night. So I had no shot.
Somehow I ended up falling asleep, and as of 5pm PST, things feel back to normal. However it wouldn’t surprise me if I woke up disheveled, in a warehouse, sitting at the end of a long table full of Flank Steak, Top Sirloins, and Filets. With a note hanging from the ceiling that said, “Pull me.” And when that note was pulled a voice would come on in stereo and say, “I want to play a game. (Saw style)”
Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose
Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane