Milwaukee Brewers’ Ryan Braun is not guilty…thank God for FedEx

In case you didn’t know Ryan Braun of the Milwaukee Brewers was deemed not guilty of taking Performance-enhancing drugs, after over 30 days of arbitration. To say I am excited about this outcome would be an understatement. I’m enthralled with the idea of Braun getting away with the biggest sports crime….steroids.

This case isn’t as cut and dry as it may seem. There are a lot of murky parts of this case. What we do know is Ryan Braun was proven not guilty of violating MLBs substance abuse policy because his testing sample was mishandled. The person that was responsible for shipping his supplement via FedEx ended up keeping it at his house for the weekend, because it was Saturday and FedEx was closed. So since protocol was jeopardized the test was rendered null. That’s right! My boy Braun Braun got off for taking drugs because some dope kept his piss at his house for 2 days. What? First off who keeps another man’s piss at his house? I won’t keep another man’s coat at my house unless he’s there. So it seems weird that someone would think it okay, to keep a drug sample over the weekend.

Now in his defense the logistics of what he did is understandable. After all FedEx was closed. However as a piss carrying expert you have to know what day it is. That way when someone calls you in on the weekend you can say, “FedEx is closed, and if you think I’m keeping that piss in my refrigerator again you’re crazy! Last time I got drunk and almost confused it with Duck Sauce.

On the other side of the equation, I think that Ryan Braun should have taken more responsibility in this situation. He knew it was Saturday. IT should have come to his mind that it wasn’t going to be able to be shipped. Why didn’t he or his agent follow up? If they find out earlier maybe he could have given another sample immediately? Now it probably wouldn’t have mattered, but it would have severed him well in the court of public opinion. Then again maybe everyone would have still presumed him guilty.

Unless you’re a Brewers fan, or live in Wisconsin you probably think Ryan Braun is guilty. That’s understandable for both sides. If you’re a Brewers fan you have to defend your guy. However, if you’re in your right state of mind you have to assume that Braun did something. When your testosterone is the highest ever seen you have to think something happened. Dude was operating on an Incredible Hulk type level. His piss had to look like something unhuman. Maybe it had some weird hologram like hue to it? Personally I think we should find Brain’s sample, just so I can see it in person (I’m starting to feel like that weird dude that kept the piss on a coffee table at his house). As a matter of fact I want to induct it into the Hall of Fame.

I think Ryan Braun is guilty of taking performing enhancing drugs. I think he took the cream, the clear, and even dabbled in some needles. I wouldn’t be surprised if there are pictures of him rummaging through Barry Bonds’ medicine cabinet. That’s the only way you could explain a spike in his test that was beyond president. However at the end of the day he got away with it, and I’m glad he did.

If the MLB is so incompetent that they can’t administer a drug test effectively, than Braun and every other player in this scenario deserves to walk. Hopefully they will figure it out for the sake of baseball, but until then, thank God for FedEx.

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

About the author: Kortney Shane Williams

Leave a Reply