Paula Abdul Gets the X Factor, Hopefully She Starts Robbing Drug Dealers

When I found out that Paula Abdul got fired from some show called The X Factor I was almost brought to tears. I was stunned. It completely caught me off guard. Really? Paula got fired, straight up? What happened? Was she smoking crack again (I don’t know if she smoked crack the first time but it’s funny and I have no problem assassinating someone’s character in the name of comedy. Especially when I’ll never have to stand behind them)? Maybe she boned one of the contestants again (American Idol style).

Now I’m not sure what the X-Factor is exactly because I have video games to play during primetime. It may be terrible, and Paula leaving may be a sign of the end. I think it’s some type of singing game show that wishes it were American Idol. And if you want to have a singing show be successful. You need a bat crazy pill popper who’s prone to slur their words and occasionally take a nap while working. Now with that element gone, the show’s success will have to rely on Mr. Tight Shirt Himself, Simon Cowell (Even Mark Cuban thinks his shirt is too tight). “Oh this won’t be a good ending.”

So what is Paula going to do next?

I don’t know, but I hope she gets another television job within the hour. America can’t afford to lose this natural disaster without fully exploiting it. I’ve seen the look in this dumpster babies’ eyes and she has a lot more fight in her. She can’t hang up the Percocet yet. Even if she doesn’t get another television job she needs to do something. Maybe she can open up a daycare or a Rottweiler kennel. It could be named something clever like “Paula’s Pooches (that’s a title for either business).” Or maybe she could have a reality show in which she robs OxyContin dealers, kind of like Omar from The Wire. Just imagine her staggering around San Francisco on a cane while children yell, “There go Paula, There go Paula. Abdul coming!” “Hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband cause she raping everybody out here.”

 

Kortney Shane Williams

Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose

Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane

About the author: Kortney Shane Williams

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