A few days ago I made the point to take time out and catch up on the Jersey Shore. Unfortunately it slipped my mind and the second episode was removed from online streaming. Now I have to admit I was sadden, however it didn’t last long. Because the Jersey Shore Comes on MTV aka the network that plays programing to the point you want to stab yourself to neck. So cranked up the television (floor model T.V. style), ratcheted over to MTV, and low and behold, a Jersey Shore marathon. I made it just in time to watch the last season of the Jersey Shore, and the newest episodes. And I’m glad I did.
After trying everything I could to stay awake during the first episode. It was great to not have to use smelling salts to stay remain conscious during the last two episodes. Those episodes were jam-packed with body fluids and confusion, which is the way I like the Shore. So everything was going good until somebody decided to drop Vinny’s anxiety problem in my lap. What the hell? Why couldn’t somebody edit that out? I don’t watch the Jersey Shore for sentiment or moral takeaways. “No!” I want somebody to bring home grenade that ends up stealing somebody’s wallet. “So in the future MTV could you edit that out, or at least tell me at what point I will occur during the episode. That way I can go take a piss until it’s over (race horse style).
Once Vinny went home we got back down to the business of picking up random(s) at the bar. Now I hate to judge someone, but after 2 years can we conclude that if you come back to the Shore after the club, you have no self-respect. So don’t come back to the house and then get religion. “That’s right girl from Bosnia (I think it was Bosnia) with that pissed off look on your face1. If you come back with my boy Pauly D assume the position. Don’t sit there and think about it just go for it. If you don’t know what to do just ask Ryder. And if you do leave the house by all means don’t come back. The first rule of Shore house is wants the grenade has left the premises; the grenade has left the premises. Holla! Adios! Hasta Luego! Get the stepping (Martin style)!”
Lastly, what up with The Situation? Who goes to someone else’s birthday party with their family and expects to be celebrated. You have to be either oblivious or stupid. Now the fact that he didn’t get some type of recognition for his birthday when he got home is messed up. However, when you’re a Douche Bag 85.9% of the time that’s what you get.
“Look Sitch if you change your personality I’m sure thing will change, but before you do that. Keep pushing Snooki into telling us what happened in that room.
1. That’s the look most people get after they eat a spoonful Horseradish, but she seems to be wearing it for fun (I may have went too far).
Editor-in-Chief of Comedic Prose
You can Follow Kortney Williams on Twitter @kortneyshane