Tebow-ing

On Christmas morning of this year, I reluctantly agreed to go with a friend to Sunday church.  I have nothing against church, it’s just never been my “thing”.  I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’m anti-church, but I am anti-not-watching-NFL-football.   As hesitant as I was, I agreed because it was a good friend.  Besides, the NFL scheduled every game except one to be played the day before, and the seemingly pre-determined Packers/Bears game wasn’t kicking off until 5:30pm.  Church would in no way interfere with my religion.

 

Upon arriving, I was absolutely shocked.  Right there, in the house of God on a Sunday morning, entire rows of people were “Tebow-ing”.  If you are unfamiliar with Tebow-ing, it’s the unexplainable  phenomenon of mimicking the end zone celebration of Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m as big of an NFL fan as you will ever find, but there is a time and place for everything;   church on Christmas morning was neither the time nor place to be re-enacting an end zone celebration.

 

“Excuse me,” I asked the row of Tebow-ers in front of me . “Don’t you think this is a little inappropriate?  I mean, an end zone celebration in the middle of church?”  A look of confusion rushed over their faces.  I could tell I had upset them on some deeper level.  I’m sure it had something to do with their beloved Broncos getting slaughtered by a helpless Buffalo squad the previous day.

 

“What are you talking about, sir?”  They politely asked me.  (Those Tebow fans are such a polite bunch.)   I replied, “Tebow-ing.  Don’t you think it’s inappropriate to be Tebow-ing in a house of worship?”  Just then, a middle-aged man says to me, “Son, we don’t know what you’re talking about.  We’re simply praying.”

 

That’s when it hit me.  These people were praying!  Simply!  It wasn’t until this moment that I realized how significant of an impact Tim Tebow is having on our culture.  Think about it:  Tebow took a simple act such as praying, and by doing it on the field, turned his last name into a verb.  A VERB!!!  Can you imagine if other celebrities had the charm and charisma of Tim Tebow?  We would have a plethora of new verbs at our disposal.

 

I’ve taken the liberty of coming up with a list of last-name verbs to add to the list.

 

  • Favre-ing –  Is Favre-ing the act of not knowing whether or not you want to retire?  Nope.  Most people know the answer to this simple question.  Give anyone the option of either working or retiring,  100% of people will choose to retire.  To call this act Favre-ing would be wasting a verb.  So, is Favre-ing the act of sending pictures of your dick to others via text?  Nope.  I’m pretty sure Brett wasn’t the first to do this.  In fact, I’m pretty sure the first person to ever have picture-texting technology was the first to do this.  (I know I would have.)  Instead, I’m reserving the verb “Favre-ing” for the act of playing football while wearing jeans.  Have you seen those ridiculous Wrangler commercials?!  I don’t care if they’re Real.  Comfortable.  Jeans.  Playing football in them is Real.  Fucking.  Stupid.

 

  • Lewis-ing – Named after Pro-Bowl linebacker Ray Lewis, Lewis-ing is the act of getting away with a crime.  Here’s an example used in a sentence: “Jerry Sandusky has absolutely ZERO chance of Lewis-ing when his case goes to trial.”  I was tempted to name this act “Simpson-ing”, but I didn’t want people to confuse that with the act of ruining your singing career on Saturday Night Live, which is actually called O’Connor-ing.  (Sinead could have used a little Tebow in her life back then.)

 

  • Prince-ing – The act of changing your name for no good reason.  Prince was the first mainstream celebrity I can think of to do this.  (Lew Alcindor/Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Cassius Clay/Muhammad Ali did this, but with good reason.)  Although Prince did it first, many followed.  Chad Ochocinco, Metta World Peace, and, of course, Diddy.  Diddy has become so synonymous with changing his name, I almost named the act after him.  But “Diddy-ing” sounds like a euphemism for masturbating, so I went with “Prince-ing”.

 

  • Diddy-ing – The act of masturbating.

 

And finally, last but not least…

 

  • Anderson-ing – Named after myself, Anderson-ing is the act of hating Tim Tebow without having any good reason for doing so.  Outside of Tebow-ing, I can’t think of an act more common these days than that of Anderson-ing.  And I really can’t explain why.  Tebow appears to be a genuinely good guy.  His teammates love him, his fan base loves him, and casual sports fans who enjoy reading “nice” stories love him.  Which is probably the reason I don’t.

To be a successful NFL quarterback, there are many skills and traits you must have.  And while he may possess some of these skills and traits, he lacks far more than he has.  His footwork is sub-par, his throwing mechanics are flawed, and his football background before reaching the NFL didn’t set him up to enjoy any long-term success on the professional level.  When any of these points are brought up to Tebow supporters, they quickly rebut with “But his intangibles!  He has intangibles that nobody can explain with words.”  You know who else has intangibles you can’t explain with words?  God.  Which may explain why they play for the same team.

As a football purist, I have a hard time imagining myself ever not “Anderson-ing”.  Then again, I just found myself inside a church on a Sunday during football season, so you can’t lose hope.  Which, I suppose, will ultimately end up being the final definition of the verb “Tebow-ing”: The act of not losing hope.  But between you and me, I having a feeling a lot more Denverites will be Anderson-ing than Tebow-ing this time next year.

 

 

Sean Anderson

writer/stand-up comedian

www.comedicprose.com/seananderson

 

 

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